Down The Road...

I spent this weekend in the L.A. and San Diego areas looking at schools and, of course, having some extra fun downtown on my spring break. I'd gotten the weekend off for a trip with the Music Club but it ended up falling through, so I thought I'd make the most of my time off. I ended up visiting the campuses at Azusa Pacific, San Diego State University, University of San Diego, and Point Loma Nazarene University. 

I've been at a junior college for 4 semesters now, which is about the time you are supposed to graduate or transfer out. I'm a business major and have mostly been working on getting general ed classes out of the way. Since I was young I'd always assumed I'd go into business so that's what I've always told people I'd do... My friends and family have always said I'd be good at it. Honestly though I couldn't picture sitting in an office filing paper work all day long. I've been there and done that and ended up miserable... sometimes I think I'd rather work at Starbucks for the rest of my life. 

Being honest with you, dear reader, I have been pretty discouraged lately when it comes to the whole "finding a university, sticking with a major, graduating, and planning-the-rest-of-your-life" thing. Some people have always known they've wanted to be a cop or a nurse or a teacher. I on the other hand, have never really had any clue. My problem may be that I like too many things and can't pick a specialty or maybe it's that I just don't have a strong passion for one particular thing. Either way it's frustrating and bothersome. 

I've been struggling with feeling inadequate. I start to fear that I won't make it at a university, that I'm not really all that intelligent, that I'll mess it up somehow. I fear judgement from others (and from myself) if I don't transfer out within two years, if I don't graduate within four. A lot of my worries don't always make sense, but outsmarting my fears does not make them disappear. There is so much to think about like where to live, living costs, tuition, majors, jobs... I become intimidated easily. It's overwhelming. 

This weekend I was blessed to be able to visit my cousin (who was having a particularly tough weekend) at PLNU while I was checking out schools. She was gracious enough to let me, for lack of a better word, dump my thoughts on her. I wish I could have spent more time talking with her and listening to what she had to say as well but we are both busy people. When I told her I didn't feel like I have a real passion in life she had said something alongs the lines of (and I'm paraphrasing), "I think you can really pick anything and end up having a passion for it."  I'm not sure if she knows it, but her words were very encouraging. I know as people we sometimes don't see how our actions affect others. She reminded me that I can love or resent whatever I choose to do. What it really depends on is my attitude not what major I pick or which school I go to. I feel better.